Girls, you have the right to be single

Last week, a lesbian friend of mine from China suddenly got married with a man I did not hear about before. When I was looking at her wedding photos, I could not stop recalling her pained look during our conversation about marriage last year. At that time, she was terribly anxious.

I am not here to talk about marriage equality, which might take years for China to move toward, but I really do want to address the issue that bothers plenty of female individuals in Chinese society, or even generally in East Asian community: being single. The pressure and discrimination on single ladies are always already there. Usually, women who are still single after 27 years old would be labeled as “leftover ladies”, a discriminatory phrase officially defined in 2007. While I have heard numerous stories concerning that women were pressured to get married by their families, this problem was never so close to me until I heard about the shocking news about my friend. She said, she could not be herself when her father’s face was filled with disappointment and her mother was in tears.

If you really care about a woman, who might be your kid, your friend, your colleague, or even a stranger, stop urging her to get married!

Surely, I understand that the last generation insists the traditional marriage value, which is that people, especially women, are supposed to get married young and have children. This deeply ingrained belief comes from Chinese family-oriented culture, a theme of Confucianism. Meantime, because currently men are millions more than women in China and families are crucial cells of the society, the government pressures single women to get married for social stability. However, should all women sacrifice their personal pursuits for getting married? Of course not.

First, in a fast-evolving society, the concept of marriage has changed over time. Although older single women are often marginalized in the local marriage market, their education and career prospects have been greatly improved in recent years. Therefore, with the substantial increase in their income, the traditional marriage model of husbands supporting the family seems less attractive. It is worth noting that an increasing number of women are able to successfully realize their personal values and make contributions to society by pursuing careers. Being independent or not getting married may also be happy choices, even at an older age, such as Bicheng Lu, a Chinese pioneer in female education, and Zhujun Zhang, the first Western-style female doctor in China.

Second, the cost of marriage is rising sharply. Because of the financial stress on younger generations, getting married means not only giving up potential education and promotion opportunities, but also affording expensive housing, childbirth and child raising. Under these tremendous pressures, many of them might feel reluctant to get married. In 2019, the marriage rate in China fell from 9.9% in 2013 to 6.6%. Nevertheless, according to research findings, marriage and childbirth even have more adverse effects on women’s career development. Female employees in most cases would need to devote much more into caring for families, resulting in lagging behind male employees about the same age. This phenomenon called mothering punishment gives rise to women’s marriage pressure, and therefore they decide to choose a late marriage or even not get married at all.

Last, if a woman eventually compromises and marries in order to fulfill the parents’ request, how likely is she to be happy? In China, matchmakers usually pay more attention on external factors than internal qualities. A good economic circumstance or an attractive appearance seems to be the golden rule in the marriage market, whereas each woman has different requirements for her Mr. Right. The research showed that marriage without strong emotional ties is prone to failure along with frequent quarrel, silent treatment or even domestic violence. Since typically women are in a vulnerable position of marriage, they should look for spouses more cautiously and follow their own heart instead of being forced to marry.

There is no doubt that I am not calling on women not to marry for life. I understand the obstacles a woman might encounter due to being unmarried in this family-oriented society. But now, if a single girl has not met the loved one, or felt more passionate about other aspects in life, could we slow down the pace and leave them the freedom to make their own choices? They deserve it.

I still remember my friend saying that she was called selfish by her parents when she turned 28 and was still single. I hope this kind of situations would not happen for another 28 years old female in China and I sincerely do.